目前日期文章:201501 (4)

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  • Jan 28 Wed 2015 22:23
  • 理解

他們說 人生在世 知足就好

他們說 女孩子不要太怪 要乖

他們說 做人踏踏實實的好 

他們說, 他們說

 

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很抱歉自己的堅持或許會傷害身邊的人

但無法控制的外來壓力和阻力 那種壓迫感讓人窒息 

此刻的迷失 讓我想更奮力的掌控自己的生活

似乎再更瘋狂一點 再更勇敢, 再更魯莽一點 

我才不會在這殘酷的現實中被捲入那千篇一律的罐頭人生中

 

也不知道自己的叛逆是與生俱來還是後天培養的

從來就不嚮往簡單安穩的生活, 對於璀璨的未來報著無限的期待

最近的迷失和對生活的失望讓我思考了很多

不只是在思索未來的去向 更多的是 我是谁 想要成為怎麼樣的人 要過怎麼樣的人生

慢慢的, 我希望把遺失的自己找回來, 找回那個很單純快樂的我

或許這樣的迷惑是好的

過去那麼長的時間裡, 慢慢的在忙碌中忘了自我, 總是在奮力的向前衝刺, 卻似乎都沒好好的在思考

直到最近, 我才發現對於那樣的自己到底有多麼的懷念

重新篩選解剖自己內心最深的依戀 認真的面對自己熱愛的事物, 而不是因為名利貪戀或別人的期待眼光而隨波逐流.

但那樣的想法不太大眾 也不太踏實 

刺激 冒險 和大多數人不做/不過的生活才能讓我感覺到心臟跳動的快感

但我也不想要只是成為另外一個任性無知的Y世代

想要過得與眾不同, 但也想要因為我的與眾不同而成功.

   

說真的 我還沒想好要怎麼走下一步. 

但至少第一步, 我要回到我喜歡的世界裡 

寫寫唱唱

雖然長時間的文字缺席讓我對於我這熱愛的語言有點小小的生疏

但能重新把我的思緒用文字轉達出來, 我覺得很感激

 

最後

雖然我似乎永遠也不可能符合大家對我的期待 也不可能從此就不叛逆

但我真的無法改變些什麼 

很抱歉 但也很感謝嘗試理解

 

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Sorry pals, i know my articles lately are pretty much on self-finding and career-searching kind of stuff. 

It's boring, perhaps, but it's me and what i am thinking for most of the time recently. 

Well, it has been super hard period of time for me as I am a very goal driven person and without a clear destination on where i am heading... I just can't move at all. 

And my past two months were mostly my inner struggling on this same question: "WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING AND WHERE AM I HEADING TO?" 

To be honest, I really have no idea AT ALL.

Repeating the same, boring, tedious, insignificant works everyday, knowing that I am just a tiny little minion for the company... 

I can't deal with it. My inner self is screaming and I just feel so suffocated from that. 

I am pretty sure it's not the stress, work loads, working hours, distance of office, salary, colleagues, bosses or environment that make me feel so...

In the beginning of my working life, even though:

  1. The working hours are crazy (I worked until 8pm almost everyday)
  2. Colleagues are so distance as hell (I don't have anyone to talk to for entire day)
  3. My boss forced me to come to office (which will cost me like rm30+) during the weekends without paying me any expenses (and those works are totally fine to just work from home)
  4. My boss tried to cancel my leave and not approve my leaves that he already agreed during my job interview. (which is the reason i agreed to work directly after my degree)
  5. The travel distance is quite far (40+ minutes to reach the office WITHOUT TRAFFIC JAM) and hence to prevent the terrible traffic in KL, I have to leave home around 730am everyday and only can go home after 730pm. (and got home around 830pm)
  6. The expenses is high (basic expenses for petrol, tol, parking and lunch are already cost me around RM40) 
  7. There're plenty of weird rules in the office such as don't touch your phone during office hours, must report to frontdesk if you're leaving the office (even just a short moment of time), you can work overtime as you like but must not be late (my colleague got call by HR for just late for like 2 minutes)... etc etc
  8. The working environment feels pretty unfriendly. Everyone just work and no one talks to each other. I feel much like a robot in a huge factory.  
  9. Oh, and 90% of the staffs are new. LOL. 

By then... even though my parents think that this job is crazy and want me to consider about leaving the job...

But i actually insist to stay and feel like it's still bearable for me to continue (as i feel like this might be the same at any other place) and keep feel that this will improve as time goes on. 

Well........... These situations did improved...

  1. I starting to make friends in the office
  2. The work loads are reducing and pretty constant (but the traffic still control my pathetic working hours T_T) 
  3. My boss seems pretty nice comparing to another boss 
  4. And other parts... basically i just used to it. LOL. LOL. LOL. 

But at the same time, I realize my role in the office is making me very upset. Very very upset.

Most of the time im doing really tiny and insignificant works... When my other colleagues who join the company at the same time or even late than me... are complaining about how stressful they are... handling this and that projects... bla bla bla... 

Maybe it's the ego in me screaming... I am not sure. But I know I always have the pride in me, to be excellent, to strive for something higher, more challenging.  

 

I feel so depressing and questioning my value everyday while I'm doing those works that can't make me feel exciting at all. 

I tried to convince myself that it's a progress, "my dear, you have to start from somewhere, these things are components that formed a great project!" 

But... My heart and my mind don't buy it. I just can't deal with it at all when i know i can get much more out there. I can do much more than this. 

and so... it comes to THE decision. I have to go, before i died of depression and boredom. 

 

OKAY. sorry for the long-winded background story of what i am actually trying to write for this post. 

hence, in the journey of my self-finding... I trying to see what i really enjoy doing. 

I remember there's time i used to sing a lot... everyday... 

There's also time I used to keep writing everyday, and forget about the time...

 

So yeah... What i really enjoy doing?

If really to think about this, I actually enjoy analysing stuffs and then record them now. 

I love adventures, I love go around and explore new things. 

For me, I will feel pretty upset when i feel like my life come to a halt and everything becoming a routine. 

Because of this nature, I need to keep trying on exciting stuffs and doing weird, significant things to keep myself alive. 

 

But, what is me in your eyes? The hueimiin that I don't even see myself? 

I just feel like there's the need to learn about myself thoroughly. To know myself.

So, tell me, what you see in me? What do you think or recognize me as? 

:)

 

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  • Jan 25 Sun 2015 14:58
  • 迷茫

很久沒有好好的停下來寫一篇文章, 好久沒有好好的停下來問問自己, 你快樂嘛?

 

 

 

我畢業了. 期待了五年, 我也就這樣終於畢業了.

總覺得建築系的我們啊... 畢業後的日子怎麼樣都不會比是學生的時候糟糕. 

確實是沒有更糟糕, 但結束了一段必經的道路. 我的下一個目標終點在哪裡?

 

開始了新工作, 進入了一直很欣賞的一家 architecture firm 開始我的菜鳥生涯...

我以為一切都完美的依據我的計畫在朝我的目標前進... 但事實並非如此.  

最近的迷茫不是一點點, 總是突然間靜下來就覺得我完全不認識我自己, 也不知道我到底是在幹什麼.

每一天重複的做著一顆小小的螺絲兒, 用鍵盤滑鼠為別人默默的補上細節. 日復一日, 身心疲憊.

我知道, 世界上總會有人在台前揮舞旗幟, 但同樣也需要有人在幕後默默耕耘.

"Anyhow you have to start from somewhere..." 很多人這麼跟我說. 

或許我就是不甘心只是這樣而已. 也不甘心為什麼擁有同樣的經驗能力而別人可以我卻不可以. 

我想要做的事情很多很多, 也總覺得我沒有時間蹉跎. 

也不是無法繼續, 也不是沒有嘗試去尋找其中的美麗... 

只是我真的不確定這樣下去到底值不值得我的時間精力...

就這麼解釋吧, 如果說要到達終點可以使用100種不一樣的方式, 但這一個並不是最快最有效最適合的方式. 

 

但即使說的多麼的富麗堂皇, 面對別人的質問疑惑, 卻還是會忍不住懷疑自己的決定.

 

如何不去在意別人的眼光, 看我像個懦弱, 毫無毅力可言的新新人類? 

如何不去在意自己內心的聲音, 說我其實只是狂妄自大, 自以為是, 好高騖遠? 或許只是在為自己的平凡無能尋找藉口. 

說的越多, 我越無法理直氣壯的堅定自己的立場. 到最後我甚至不知道我應該要怎麼樣在去解釋自己的立場, 似乎在別人耳朵裡聽起來都像是一對毫無意義的狡辯. 

說實在的, 我其實真的很不想要承認我其實真的不怎麼樣.

我想我永遠無法習慣在別人眼裡, 我也只是另一個大多數人而已. 

 

 

也不知道這算不算是人生的一個過渡期. 我也不過不想要隨波逐流而已...

 

但那樣的心態, 似乎也依舊可以跟任性不負責任畫上等號. 

 

是不是安安份分的接受自己的平凡, 就會容易滿足一點?

 

 

或許是我太累了, 但我真的還是不甘願只是成為另一個某一個人而已. 

工作多忙多辛苦都好, 我都想要至少對自己做的事情有熱誠, 有想前進的力氣.

如果無法做到成為什麼大名人, 做到什麼改變世界的的成就...

那也至少希望我做的東西可以改進一些事情, 或能獲得一小群人的認可.

即使是引導某些人思想, 讓某些人因為我創造的東西而覺得愉快, 或過得更好...  

 

我只是真的覺得我需要好好的思考, 我到底要什麼.

然後決定了, 就要真的不論多辛苦也要堅持走下去...

 

就這樣吧. 加油, 鳥人.

 

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