Sorry pals, i know my articles lately are pretty much on self-finding and career-searching kind of stuff.
It's boring, perhaps, but it's me and what i am thinking for most of the time recently.
Well, it has been super hard period of time for me as I am a very goal driven person and without a clear destination on where i am heading... I just can't move at all.
And my past two months were mostly my inner struggling on this same question: "WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING AND WHERE AM I HEADING TO?"
To be honest, I really have no idea AT ALL.
Repeating the same, boring, tedious, insignificant works everyday, knowing that I am just a tiny little minion for the company...
I can't deal with it. My inner self is screaming and I just feel so suffocated from that.
I am pretty sure it's not the stress, work loads, working hours, distance of office, salary, colleagues, bosses or environment that make me feel so...
In the beginning of my working life, even though:
- The working hours are crazy (I worked until 8pm almost everyday)
- Colleagues are so distance as hell (I don't have anyone to talk to for entire day)
- My boss forced me to come to office (which will cost me like rm30+) during the weekends without paying me any expenses (and those works are totally fine to just work from home)
- My boss tried to cancel my leave and not approve my leaves that he already agreed during my job interview. (which is the reason i agreed to work directly after my degree)
- The travel distance is quite far (40+ minutes to reach the office WITHOUT TRAFFIC JAM) and hence to prevent the terrible traffic in KL, I have to leave home around 730am everyday and only can go home after 730pm. (and got home around 830pm)
- The expenses is high (basic expenses for petrol, tol, parking and lunch are already cost me around RM40)
- There're plenty of weird rules in the office such as don't touch your phone during office hours, must report to frontdesk if you're leaving the office (even just a short moment of time), you can work overtime as you like but must not be late (my colleague got call by HR for just late for like 2 minutes)... etc etc
- The working environment feels pretty unfriendly. Everyone just work and no one talks to each other. I feel much like a robot in a huge factory.
- Oh, and 90% of the staffs are new. LOL.
By then... even though my parents think that this job is crazy and want me to consider about leaving the job...
But i actually insist to stay and feel like it's still bearable for me to continue (as i feel like this might be the same at any other place) and keep feel that this will improve as time goes on.
Well........... These situations did improved...
- I starting to make friends in the office
- The work loads are reducing and pretty constant (but the traffic still control my pathetic working hours T_T)
- My boss seems pretty nice comparing to another boss
- And other parts... basically i just used to it. LOL. LOL. LOL.
But at the same time, I realize my role in the office is making me very upset. Very very upset.
Most of the time im doing really tiny and insignificant works... When my other colleagues who join the company at the same time or even late than me... are complaining about how stressful they are... handling this and that projects... bla bla bla...
Maybe it's the ego in me screaming... I am not sure. But I know I always have the pride in me, to be excellent, to strive for something higher, more challenging.
I feel so depressing and questioning my value everyday while I'm doing those works that can't make me feel exciting at all.
I tried to convince myself that it's a progress, "my dear, you have to start from somewhere, these things are components that formed a great project!"
But... My heart and my mind don't buy it. I just can't deal with it at all when i know i can get much more out there. I can do much more than this.
and so... it comes to THE decision. I have to go, before i died of depression and boredom.
OKAY. sorry for the long-winded background story of what i am actually trying to write for this post.
hence, in the journey of my self-finding... I trying to see what i really enjoy doing.
I remember there's time i used to sing a lot... everyday...
There's also time I used to keep writing everyday, and forget about the time...
So yeah... What i really enjoy doing?
If really to think about this, I actually enjoy analysing stuffs and then record them now.
I love adventures, I love go around and explore new things.
For me, I will feel pretty upset when i feel like my life come to a halt and everything becoming a routine.
Because of this nature, I need to keep trying on exciting stuffs and doing weird, significant things to keep myself alive.
But, what is me in your eyes? The hueimiin that I don't even see myself?
I just feel like there's the need to learn about myself thoroughly. To know myself.
So, tell me, what you see in me? What do you think or recognize me as?